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ABUSED BY THE
SYSTEM
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Hello,
I happened to read about your website in the Grimsby Evening Telegraph and
decided to go and have a look for myself. I've always been a very reticent
kind of person, and was relentlessly bullied throughout my school life. From
the age of 5 right up until I left at 16. I've often wondered what the true
cause of it was, and I guess that the only reason was because I was quiet. I
was seen as an, "easy target." In the early days I used to try and fight
back, (literally in some cases), but I soon found that it didn't work. I was
never one for fighting, anyway. It was roughly at this time that I started
to wet the bed. I had four older brothers and having discovered this was
happening used to tease me about it. So, whenever it happened, I tried my
hardest to be secretive about it. I got the impression that anything which
would make me appear different, or less able, was a sign of weakness so I
became very self-conscious if I did anything which I deemed anyone could find
fault with. I never disclosed anything that happened like this, as I was
very ashamed and embarrassed even about telling my Mother. I would get up in
the mornings, trying hard not to disclose my predicament for fear of
embarrassment, get dressed in a very clandestine way, and go to school in
soiled underwear. Obviously I must have smelt terrible and consequently,
this alienated me further with the other children at school. I soon got the
reputation for being a "stink bomb". As I believed that it was my fault, I
never retaliated to their taunting, I accepted what they called me. As the
name calling continued, I became even more withdrawn. But, because I never
told anyone, nothing was ever done about it. I assumed that it was my fault,
as I didn't know what I should do about it, assuming that this was just the
way that I was. I did try to make a joke about things, pretending that what
they were saying didn't bother me, but deep down I felt very hurt and
frustrated.
My voice broke when I was nine, it became very deep for someone of my age,
causing me again to stand out. I tried not to speak out loud much, but when
I had to, e.g. reading out aloud in class, I was ridiculed by the other
children, because I tended to mumble. It gave the impression that I wasn't
too bright, as when people talked to me, I became very self-conscious, and
would get nervous, resulting in me usually making a mess of what I had to
say. So I would not really say much, hoping that they would be inconspicuous
enough for them to leave me alone. I was never the smartest dressed pupil at
school. Partly because I didn't care about my appearance. Of course, this
attracted the attention of the resident, "Bullies", at the time, who made me
feel very alienated. Luckily I was not in the same classes as them and tried
my hardest to avoid them. This wasn't always possible and on many occasions,
particularly on the way to, or on the way home from, school I would get into
a situation were they would be waiting for me, taunting me, calling me names
and threatening me with violence. I would ignore them, trying to get passed
them as quickly as possible, but ultimately, they would catch up with me. I
was kicked and punched on a few occasions, but as ever, never tell anyone as
I didn't want any fuss or attention, believing that it was my fault that this
was happening to me. On the odd occasion when I did mention it to a Teacher,
I used to get fobbed off with the usual lines a) Stand up for yourself (which
never worked for me.) or b.) Just ignore them, they will go away. (Which I
did, but never seemed to work.) As the bullying was a regular occurrence, it
became almost second nature to me. I just tried to get by the best way I
could. I had a tendency to walk faster than most people, particularly when
going to school but also when I went out anywhere on my own. Again because
of this, it tended to draw attention to myself, earning me a reputation as
being somewhat strange. For a while, I became very unsettled about going out
anywhere. Believing that I may run into somebody who would give me a hard
time. At about this time, I became very disillusioned with it all, thinking
that if people didn't like me, then I wouldn't like people. I resigned
myself to keeping my own company, feeling contempt for anybody who I thought
fitted into the category of somebody who was a potential threat, i.e. boys of
my own age. I became embittered with everyone who I thought of as being
superior to me in some way. Practically isolating myself from contact with
anybody outside my immediate family. I never had any friends as such. I did
used to associate with a small number of other boys whilst at school, usually
those who were also being bullied. But, they were more acquaintances than
friends.
At the age of 15, I began to get Acne. First of all it was mild, but
eventually, it became very severe, covering the whole of my face, giving
another reason to be ridiculed at school, being called a "Tramp" and "Crater
Face" and being told to "Get a wash." I remember one bully in particular,
who throughout the following year made my life hell. I would sit there,
trying to ignore his taunting and name calling, have a deep feeling of
despair, and a heavy feeling in my chest. On one occasion having a chair
bounced off the back of my head, I just ignored it carrying on as if nothing
had happened. Some of this persons' cronies were also present in some of my
other lessons, which gave them an opportunity to have a go at me. I was also
being pitied by some of the girls in the class, as they would tell the person
who was bullying me, not to pick on me, which made me feel very ashamed and
embarrassed. About this time, I became disillusioned with my schoolwork, and
I began to play truant. First of all, it was the odd Friday afternoon, then
it was whole days. Not really doing anything, but hanging around all day,
being bored to tears. But, eventually, I was caught, and was put on report.
Most of the Teachers were very surprised, thinking that I wouldn't do
anything like that, and that it was totally out of character for a polite,
quiet boy who always did as he was told. All I knew was that I wanted to
leave school as soon as possible, so that I didn't have to put up with being
bullied any more.
School did finish, and it was better for a while. I was in the, "grown-up",
world now, and felt that I wouldn't have to put up with any more of the
treatment I had before. But, within myself, I still felt that I didn't "fit
in" with people my own age. As before, I got by, though. I got a job and
things were fairly settled for a while. That was, until I was given notice a
few years later. But, I thought at the time that something else was bound to
pop up, sooner of later. But, at the time the job situation wasn't at all
good. I applied for a few positions but, to no avail. As time passed, I
began to feel that my life lacked continuity. I became more and more anxious
about things, not wanting to go out anywhere, having a short temper and not
really having any enthusiasm about doing things. I became increasingly more
isolated, spending a great deal of time on my own, having feelings of
inadequacy, wanting to belong to something, to feel accepted, yet not getting
any real satisfaction from anything that I was doing. At was then that I was
diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Something that I still have problems
with, even now, year's later. I'm still having treatment, but things are
slowing getting better. But anyway.. I just wish that I'd had the courage
to say something about all of this, when it was affecting me the most. that
being when I was still at school. But, that's history now. I'm pleased that
there are now organisations in existence to help anybody who is going through
any kind of bullying. I would implore anybody who's reading this and is
going through such experiences, now, to do something positive about it.
After all, you don't want to end up the way I have, do you??
John.
I suffered bullying on and off throughout school. Precisely why I am
not entirely sure. I have a moderate hearing problem which adults
always seemed more worried about than I did. It may or may not have
affected the way I communicate, but these days people tell me I come
across merely as well-spoken, precise and thinking hard about what I
hear. I was very academic at school, a voracious reader to whom the
world of books was often more real than the real world. When I was
under ten, my make believe games were often very complex and it was a
hard job trying to find friends who could join in with them. Perhaps
this marked me out as a loner from the start.
Much of what I suffered was not called bullying 15 or 20 years ago. It
was normally being danced round and laughed at, asked to sing
Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony (I'm not kidding!), having books, pencils
etc., nicked in class and then sneakily put back when I stood up and
made a fuss, interrogated as to which pop groups I liked (I was not the
slightest bit interested in pop music and made little effort to disguise
the fact), and most hurtfully, I was asked questions by the other girls
in my class as to sexual preferences, periods, did I know anything about
my brothers' sex lives?...which would be defined as offensive now, but
was just regarded as an extreme form of teasing then.
Now, I dislike being regarded as a victim. My feelings are generally
rather closer to the surface than I like, which probably didn't help me
in my schooldays. I was not the type to try and fit in, and in fact was
more stubborn than was useful; the whole notion of conforming under
intimidation just put my back up. I do not recognise myself in any of
the victim stereotypes, whether passive, provocative or otherwise. I
fought back simply by remaining true to myself under enormous pressure,
and do not accept that this caused the bullies' behaviour either to
continue or to start.
But it did have a price. I had a very, very intense friendship with
another girl at school which was always difficult, and looking back, she
got a lot of anger from me which was not really caused by her behaviour.
Had I not been bullied, I would not have expected so much from her, more
than any human can handle. I was familiar, too, with feeling almost
constantly on guard, on edge and never able to relax. But it wasn't
until I left school for good that the emotional impact hit home. I
suffered spells of severe anxiety for a while, then had a dream in which
I was beating one of the girls in my class up to a pulp...the murderous
emotion in the dream woke me up, reeling.
It wasn't until then that I realised this was bullying, this was not
acceptable and it shouldn't have happened. I feel sad that I had such a
terrible time in my teens, but I don't dwell on it because I have good
friends and a good life now. In some ways I feel good for having stayed
true to myself, and not given in, and not believed that had I been a
different person I would have been all right. I'm all right now and I
was all right then. It was the bullies who weren't.
--
Christina
let's go
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